We’ve all had those days either by train or bus where your commute to work feels like an every man for himself crusade to the Promised Land. Your mission to reach your destination both on time and with your pride in tact is left in shatters as you politely try to exit onto the platform only to be forced back onto the train due to a herd of commuters more determined on their crusade than you are.
Well, we here at Resume Companion are taking a closer look at the situation.
Usually I brush off this type of Darwinian commuting down to thirty odd person’s simultaneous urgent appointment with a doctor, cultural differences or, just terrible family planning. To say I’m not affected by this phenomenon would be an understatement though; I hate it with a passion.
However, instead of stooping to their level entirely I’ve decided that there are three ways to make mine, and ultimately your, commute that much more… rewarding.
Miming on your commute
This one’s simple really, when exiting the train or bus begin miming the actions of the person directly pushing into you. If they move left, shimmy across to join them, if they huff and puff, let your lungs bellow and if they step back and scratch their head, keep on scratching.
You receive extra brownie points if you’re able to keep up with their ever increasing stress reactions. If you can beat 35 seconds of uninterrupted limb flailing and early morning confusion, let’s get married.
If you can do this to a large queue of people for an extended amount of time, then let’s drink poison and die together too. You are my soul mate.
The last time I checked there were no rules on any vehicle that said you can’t continuously outstretch both your arms at 90 degrees to the floor at peak commuting times, or any time for that matter. So I thought I’d give this one a flurry last week and it worked a treat.
To make this as authentic as possible stand like this in the queue before entering the train, this will prepare you and also provide a sign to other passengers just where their boundaries lay, nowhere near you, captain fantastic!
Right, as you enter onto the train or bus you should now have passengers slightly bewildered and possibly annoyed by your extra command of space, but remember, people need to learn new behaviors, it’s all natural so don’t worry. You may feel your arms ache with this one, but it’s for a great cause, so toughen up old chap because when it’s time to alight from your joyous journey things will begin to heat up.
As the pushers on try to push you back, let their persistent energy spin you around in a windmill like fashion and as they rotate you faster, you may shout out sweet obscenities to let everybody know just how much of a mess the situation has become.
You will be awarded Resume Companion’s Badge of Embarrassment Honor if you are successful in causing at least one pushy commuter to turn back home, close their curtains and weep into their pillow in shame at their actions.
Life changing stuff.
Go with the flow
If you have time to kill on your commute, which we all do of course, then try out this little charm summarized perfectly by our most favorite Bruce and no I’m not talking about Mr. Willis. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water.
If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend. – Bruce Lee
When attempting to leave the train, slowly raise your head and make eye contact with the bull like person staring back at you. Gently stride backwards with grace, back onto the train and as they move on, don’t let go of their gaze making sure to be standing directly in front of them at all times.
Watch their face as the doors swiftly close behind them. Be enchanted by their perplexity of witnessing you sacrifice your stop. The non-acceptance by them that you could ever be so selfless and then their complete realization that you are …
The master of the commute!
You my friend are now water, unable to crash, a pioneer of our future commute, be brave and step forth.